Harry meets Frodo
by ILoanADogma
Summary: What would happen if the boy who lived met the moppy haired midget? *Rewritten* Please R&R my humble story ;-)
1. Of weed and tampons

Ok, first thing, didn't mean to refer to the wonderful little hobbit in such a well, HARSH way. Just looking at him as someone else might look at him... Anywho, became obsessed day before yesterday with one idea. What EXACTLY would happen if Harry met Frodo? If they were in a duel above a fiery pit using only giant cotton swabs to defend themselves, who would win? It's an idea I've been toying with for quite some time now, this is probably not a final copy, merely a draft. I would appreciate input from you guys. Remember, reviews are welcomed, makes much less work for me. And keep this declaration in mind; "There's only room for one ridiculously successful fantasy series in THIS school!!!"  
  
  
  
-Cheers  
  
  
  
Diana  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
An old man sat on the edge of a wall, a pipe peeking out from his long white beard. A beard so long, in fact, that he could tuck it into his belt if he wished. His eyes were a merry sky blue, and his wrinkled face was worn with the weight of many years.  
  
  
  
  
  
There he sat, on the cold brick, waiting. That was alright, the man was content. He had plenty left yet in his pipe, and besides, the stars were gorgeous tonight. Venus was in her prime. He didn't wait long, however, for whatever he was waiting for.  
  
  
  
Crunch. Crunch.  
  
  
  
"You're late." Accused the man, gazing out in the black night from under his wide brimmed hat.  
  
  
  
"A wizard is never late, my friend." Came the gruff reply. "Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."  
  
  
  
The two figures were motionless, seeming to stare each other down. Then the newcomer broke a wry grin and the pair burst out into laughter.  
  
  
  
"Oh my friend! Good to see you! So good...."  
  
  
  
"Oh you old Greyhead, you haven't changed!"  
  
  
  
As the men embraced they began to chatter like young ones again. Talking of old times. Times when beards weren't as grey and there was plenty of weed to go around. Finally they happened to pause long enough for the first man to speak.  
  
  
  
"I suppose it should be starting soon." He gestured towards the door of the theatre behind them with his pipe. His companion smiled and hopped down off the wall. He walked briskly to the entrance and looked back. He tapped his staff impatiently on the ground.  
  
  
  
"Who's waiting for whom?" He asked.  
  
  
  
And so, laughing, the two entered the theatre hand in hand singing, as they passed through the double doors and underneath the neon lights.  
  
  
  
"Tonight only! Double Feature!"  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
The lights dimmed, and the movie began to play on the aging screen. It was a nice theatre, as older ones go. The seats were comfortable, and even hand their own cup holders. The walls were a bit chipped but cheery looking, with colorful fabrics lining the paneling. The screen itself seemed to be an old stage, the velvet curtains were drawn back as to allow room for the movie screen. Quite a few people had shown up tonight, and they were excitedly chatting to one another about the movies, their plots, and the characters.  
  
  
  
The two men entered and chose two empty seats, near the back but not so far back that the head of some annoying groupie blocked the way. They had barely gotten situated when the lights dimmed, and the film began. It was of course 'Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring' and the 'Two Towers'. As the plot unraveled and the story progressed, the first man leaned over. "Got to give you credit, this movie of yours isn't so bad." He whispered, only to be rudely shushed by his companion, whose eyes were glued to the screen.  
  
  
  
"Gandalf! It's so wonderful to see you again!"  
  
  
  
A small, furry, mop headed midget jumped on the cart on screen.  
  
  
  
Annoyed at being ignored, the first man began to ponder the beginnings of yet another evil scheme. 'I wonder.' He thought, 'what would happen if.' Before he finished his thought, he knew what he would do. He averted his gaze to the "elf" on the movie screen. "He irritates me anyway." He muttered. "SUCH a pretty boy."  
  
  
  
WHOOP! ZANG!  
  
  
  
A small spark emitted from the tip of a wooden wand concealed under his cloak, and hit the picture of the elf on screen. His partner didn't notice of course, being engrossed in well, himself. He did notice, however, when the elf dropped his bow and gave a shrill scream. Everyone in the 'counsel' onscreen turned. The head honcho, "Elrond", looked confused. "Yes..." He asked cautiously. Legolas' eyes started to gather a storm, as he appeared to be searching his quiver of arrows frantically.  
  
  
  
"WHO." He gasped, barely able to control his anger. The council leaned in, beckoning him to continue.  
  
  
  
"WHO." He started again.  
  
  
  
"What? What?" Elrond prodded.  
  
  
  
"Who..who... WHO STOLE MY TAMPON?!?!?!?!"  
  
  
  
Back out in the theatre, the first man started cracking up. Unpicking another lemon drop, he prepared to have more fun.  
  
  
  
"What was that about?" The second man asked, banging his staff off the chair in front of him in his impatience and cracking some middle aged man over the head. But the first gentleman continued to laugh and laugh. The second man turned red. "That's just like you!" He roared, as the now unnervingly convincing feminine Legolas pranced about the screen, much to the confusion of the rest of the audience. "ALWAYS playing JOKES! Never serious! You don't even have a proper series to you name! My series could kick the big fat ass off of your impy Pre-Teen one!" The first man said nothing for a minute. Then he looked up, his eyes twinkling. "Would you like to test that theory?" He asked mockingly. "YES. Let's do it. Now."  
  
  
  
"Alright."  
  
  
  
"O.k."  
  
  
  
"Fine then"  
  
  
  
"Well, go on already!" Eyes flashing and twinkling, the two matched wand with staff and turned eyes toward the screen.  
  
  
  
WHOOP. ZANG! PLOP.  
  
SPARKLE!!!!!! 


	2. Of ducktape and squirrels

*I had no idea what the hell had just happened. All I knew when I looked up at a huge castle in the distance was that I wasn't in Gondor anymore. I knew Arwen had threatened to knock me into another continent for "borrowing" her eyelash curlers, but I didn't really think she'd do it. Besides, curly lashes look better on me, anyway.*  
  
The King of Gondor looked around, and realizing he wasn't familiar with the land, began to panic. Then he mentally slapped himself. He was king! A king doesn't panic.. he improvises. Right. Well, one thing was clear. He was king..alone, lost.., somewhere.. Hurrumph, he thought. Doesn't matter WHERE I am, I'm still king around here!  
  
Standing up tall, shoulders back, chest in, Aragorn began a noble walk. Right into a tree. FWUMP.  
  
"Oww.."  
  
CRACK! SNAP!  
  
"What the?!?!"  
  
CRACK! BRUISE!  
  
Aragorn scuttled backwards on his hands, narrowly avoiding being decapitated by a tree.  
  
"What magic is this?" He wondered, turning around, but only to receive a smack on his backside by the tree.  
  
"OOOUUUUCCCccchhh! I'll show you!"  
  
Aragorn unsheathed Anduril, and was just about to teach this oversized roll of toilet paper to respect his king, when he heard someone approaching. Hiding quickly in some shrubbery, he listened intensely. Whatever it was, it sounded like an Oliphaunt marching! Peering intently over the brush, Aragorn saw it wasn't an animal at all! Why, it was a man! A huge man. and very hairy, Aragorn thought. Perhaps this man was kin to Tom Bombadil? Taking a chance, Aragorn stepped out.  
  
"Hello there!"  
  
The man turned.  
  
"Eh?  
  
"Hellloooooo there!"  
  
"Who're yeh?"  
  
Aragorn paused. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. King of Gondor!"  
  
The giant man raced over towards him immediately.  
  
"Are yeh a wizard or a muggle?"  
  
Aragorn was now officially confused. "I am King of Gondor! Bow down before me!"  
  
The man picked Aragorn up by the scruff of his neck, and began to carry him towards the castle.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT! I AM YOUR KING!!! YOU OWE ME YOUR ALLEGIANCE!!!"  
  
The man said nothing to this in reply, merely giving a sympathetic tutt and beginning to walk quicker.  
  
"Never knew what yeh looked like. thought yeh would'a put up more 'o a struggle though. Azkaban must of really gotten teh yeh.."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, Gimli had suddenly appeared in the woods. He had been right in the middle of trying to chop the One Ring in half when suddenly he been brought here. Instead of bringing his axe down on the ring like he had done COUNTLESS times before, Gimli looked down to see had a had slaughtered a small, furry animal. Squirrel, to be precise. Knowing what Legolas would do to him if he saw the poor, spliced creature, Gimli quickly glanced around and vainly tried to push to two halves of the animal back together.  
  
"OOOOOhhhhh Gimili!!!" Rang a higher-than-usual elvin voice.  
  
"Shit." Gimli murmured, still trying to attach the squirrel.  
  
"Oh Gimli darling, THERE you are!" Legolas strode in the opening with him, to find Gimli's back to him/her? Gimli briskly turned around to face to Prince/Princess? of Mirkwood, revealing a limp squirrel with ducktape down in middle behind him. Legolas pranced over to the stump.  
  
"Ahhhh! A squirrely squirrel!"  
  
Gimli shut his eyes and looked away.  
  
"It's sooo cute!!!"  
  
Gimli opened his eyes, only to see Legolas hugging the dead squirrel. Noticing the duck tape was slipping, he promptly seperated the two and set the squirrel back down.  
  
"Legolas? LEGOLAS! Stop nancing about for ONE SECOND and LISTEN!"  
  
The elvin Prince/Princess immediately froze.  
  
"We need to find out where we are." Gimli began, looking around. Spotting the castle looming in the distance, he grinned. "And that is where we shall begin!" A sudden thought occuring to him, he turned to Legolas.  
  
"Legolas, is this Mirkwood?"  
  
Legolas shook his/her head. Gimli sighed.  
  
"Ah well, the road goes ever on! TO THE CASTLE!" And with that the two ran off, with the triumphant fellowship soundtrack playing in the background. You know, the track with the big french horn melody that plays as the three hunters race across Rohan? Of course you do. If only the hobbits were as lucky. 


	3. Bedhead midgets, Tribute to JK

The hobbits had been purposely lurking in the bushes behind Elrond when PLOP! The poor halflings had found themselves lying in a heap on a cold, marble floor. A gaggle of small, bat-like creature goggled at them, peering out with tennis ball-shaped eyes.  
  
Pippin didn't need to be Gandalf to know where he had landed. He had landed, of course, in the Hogwarts kitchen. Now he didn't know it was the Hogwarts kitchen, but food was food. And this also means that yes, I lied to you about the hobbits, and twisted my words at the end of the last chapter in order to manipulated you into continuing onward. Bad author. Bad.  
  
"A kitchen!" Pippin bolted upright.  
  
"Excellent!" Merry added. He cocked his head, studying the small creatures before him.  
  
"You haven't got any food, do you? I'm a bit peckish."  
  
The elves' ears perked up immediately, and they scattered in different directions, happy once more to be working.  
  
"Would you like tea sirs?" One elf squeaked.  
  
"Sure!"  
  
Five minutes later, the hobbits were surrounded by mounds of eclairs, heaps of truffles, and Merry was busy knawing on a roast ox the elves had brought him. Sam, however, did not share the glee of the other two.  
  
"Where's Frodo?" He asked, looking around the kitchen.  
  
Merry shrugged, and crammed an apple into his mouth. It was a good question, really. Where WAS Frodo?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * **  
  
Actually, Frodo was sleeping. Feeling the first rays of sunlight on his face, he yawned and turned on his side.  
  
'Hmm, that's strange.' He vaguely thought. He had the distinct impression that he had just been somewhere, somewhere important, doing something..Like a meeting? Ah well, didn't matter now. These pillows were awfully comfortable, and there was an oversized, heated water bottle beside him..  
  
"Ahhhhh! AH AH Ahhh!!! WHO ARE YOU?"  
  
Frodo's eyes snapped open as he found that the water bottle he'd been cuddling was really an angry teenager. The boy jumped up, and pointed a small wooden stick at Frodo's chest.  
  
The boy's green eyes blazed a fire of surprise, fear, and anger. Frodo's attention remained on the small stick, however, because the boy was holding like it was some kind of weapon! His curiosity overcame his shock.  
  
"What are you going to do with that, poke me?" He remarked, laughter in his voice.  
  
"What are you doing here?!?! Who are you? And WHY WERE YOU IN MY BED?"  
  
Frodo's attention snapped back to the rather awkward reality.  
  
"Er..I'm Frodo, I'm a hobbit, and I just suddenly appeared in your bed, and I don't know why."  
  
Frodo stood up, and realized the wand was dangerously close to his eyeball.  
  
"So let me get this straight," Harry grated, "you're not a wizard, not a human. And you ended in MY BED. And you want me to believe you have no idea where you are?"  
  
Frodo nodded his head vigorously.  
  
"PROFESSOR DUMBELDORE!" Harry roared, walking out of the room. Panicking, Frodo ran after him.  
  
"Wait, no! I'm a good hobbit! I've changed! Please, don't! I didn't mean to eat all the lembas! It was the elf! I swear!"  
  
Confirming his suspicions that this tiny man was a lunatic, Harry began to walk faster, out the portrait hole, and towards Dumbeldore's office. Surely he would help sort this..tiny hobbit thing, out. He would help, he always did. But, then again, his supposed 'mentor' had allowed Harry to be attacked four years in a row now.. A vision of the professor sitting in Hagrid's cabin twiddling his thumbs came to mind. He would help..right?  
  
(A/N: Review, make my bunny happy, check back soon, and find out!) 


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